Frustration In Relating

Damn, this is frustrating. Frustrating because I seem to be unable to relate my relationship requirements to prospective partners. I know my frustration is mine and I also know that with perseverance, I will succeed…on some level. It is apparent that my explanation of what I require is inadequate, at best. Inadequate because what I am asking for in a partner is not normal in this culture and in this society.

I fully realize how difficult it can be relating with only me inclusive of the demands that I have imposed on myself and others. I realize how difficult it is to keep ‘things’ in a healthy perspective. I know how honest one has to be to live alone in peace and contentment never mind with a loving partner. Yet, I believe an investment is not only required for me to be the best person I can be, but for my primary partner as well. The caveat that I appear to have the most problems with is that of wanting my prospective partner to have the skills required to take total responsibility and be totally accountable to herself for how she feels and that those feelings are directly associated with her behaviours. Really, what I am requesting is something which is rather foreign to this culture and society. We are all basically taught to be victims. Victims to church, government, education, and many other community institutions. We are taught to succumb, surrender and sacrifice what is in our healthy self best interest to satisfy the many, many external demands and temptations of our environment and culture. We, as a result, are left wanting and search for the ‘quick fix’. So, when it comes to finding a primary partner, I require someone who is empowered or at the very least aspires to be empowered and can live with me in a peaceful and content environment. As difficult as this has been, is and may continue to be, I move forward but not without some frustration from the process. Where would this woman have been to know the above and to have acquired the skill set? What would this woman have been exposed too to have experienced the differences and want the benefits of the exercise. Yet, given all of the above, the most difficult part of this is the relativity of connotation of meaning of the words that are afforded us. It is not for lack of words but rather for lack of meaningful connotation of the words that seems to contribute to the confusion in relating. We have successfully ‘bastardized’ our language sufficiently to ‘muddy the waters’. So, what we have left is communication that is ‘watered down’ and somewhat objectively meaningless…in its purist form….YUCK!

Is it too much to ask for the following:

That, we each take responsibility for how we feel and given the issues that seem to ‘trigger’ all of us, we understand that how we react depends upon the options that we have placed in our behaviour choice menu. So, if we are ‘triggered’ with anger or fear or hurt of any kind, do we have to impact the environment, inclusive of partner, because we choose not to change our perception for the betterment of all concerned?

That, our energy is contagious and depending upon whether we ‘flow’ freely or ‘block’ our flow, determines how our environment, inclusive of partner, is impacted.

That, however we choose to behave, we impact our environment, inclusive of partner, and that we should be accountable for that impact.

That, given we have a choice of how we choose to impact our environment, inclusive of partner, we choose to make it as pleasant and enjoyable as possible.

That, our reality is based upon the above and that we have the power to determine and freely express whatever it is we are experiencing in whatever manner we choose.

That, we trust and have faith with safety and security, that whatever it is we are experiencing can be shared, as opposed to ‘dumped’, on our partner. This means listening is required, without judgement, and we both know what is required for us to maintain peace and contentment and will do whatever is required to get to that ‘place’ without targeting or blaming each other.

That, we cannot make each other angry. Only we can make ourselves angry. If, behaviours are impacting each other adversely, open and honest dialogue is required. That does not mean that our anger is a direct effect of the cause. It means that the cause is ours, even if that means putting ourselves in an environment fully knowing that the cause is there. If we do not know the cause is there, then we must challenge the stimuli when we become aware. If that is not resolvable, we must leave the environment rather than bludgeon each other over the cause.

That, knowing all of the above behaviour modes available to us, we must come to terms as to whether they are in our healthy self-best interest. If they are….great! If not, and they are not resolvable, we must leave the environment, if we truly love ourselves.

So, it appears that conflict resolving skills are required to relate effectively, efficiently and productively. How do we acquire those skills and how do we utilize them within a resolving structure that assists us with a framework to work within….even when we are in a ‘flight or fight’ mode? Study, commitment and investment is my only answer.

It also appears that all of the above determines, in one way or another, whether we can go forward….together. We both require interest, will, courage, persistence, listening, faith, humility, rules, surrender, wisdom and love to survive the challenges that confront all of us. The more skills we each have the better our chances of succeeding….and so it is.