Relating

Some have said that every psychological and emotional problem or conflict stems from some type of relationship gone ‘wrong’. Why is it so difficult for us to relate to each other? Hi, how are you? I`m fine. In most cases the question is insincere, and the answer is inaccurate, incomplete and or dishonest. Too many times we are no longer conscious of the relating process. So, from the initial greeting, our relating goes ‘downhill’. Then we wonder what went wrong? What would an open and honest greeting sound like? We get so caught up in being culturally and socially “cordial and pleasant” that we lose the essence of humanity, warmth and connection. How ‘cold’ and ‘surface’ we have become, albeit unintended at least in the moment? We chose to relinquish our consciousness a long time ago for some perceived beneficial value at the time and have become ‘robotic’ ever since, unless we want something, of course. Then, we put out an exerted effort but only because of having an ulterior motive?

Relationship dynamics are interesting, strange and sometime fearful. You know the scenario. You have been there many times. Here we are sharing and then one party says something like, oh, don`t say that, you are being vulgar. What has occurred here? A limit has been imposed which defines, in this instance, what can and can`t be said. Who is in control, the one who sets the boundary or the one who expresses the ‘so called’ vulgarity? Or is this a classic ‘clash of boundaries’? The collusion begins.

Even our language creates problems in relating. We utilize words like fearless, honesty, truth, acceptance, openness, intimacy etc. with the hope of relating what we think and feel. They all mean different things to different people. Everyone connotes differently. We simply assume they mean the same, because we are either lazy in providing more detailed explanations, or because we are not sufficiently interested in getting to the truth of the meaning and we haven`t invested enough into our language to relate meaningfully. We require more feeling words. Hell, some of us don`t want others to know, and some of us don`t want to explain what we really mean. And all this occurs with people we actually care about. And then we experience shock and dismay when so many of our relationships are not functional when in reality they never had a chance to work from the ‘get go’. Check out the multi-billion dollar computer dating industry, as an example. It is full of people without communication skills, looking for people without communication skills. If you don`t believe me, just try being completely honest, in this process, and see how far you get with people. Good luck!

We have succumbed to not being completely open (transparent) and honest, because it is too difficult, and our supposed “external acceptance” is more important. We continue to sell out. I don`t know of anyone in my experience, including myself, that has lived so much as one day completely and totally honest. And we wonder why we have a hard time relating? The fact is, most of the time we`re dishonest with everyone, beginning with ourselves. To support this supposition, try honestly describing yourself to yourself. If you can do this in written form, you have a working document to reflect upon and refer too in trying times. Once completed, after as many revisions as you required, and expressing them as honestly and accurately as possible, how many of us would be willing to share this self-description with anyone? Unless and until you can do this with yourself first, and become totally accepting and loving of yourself first, you will never do it with anyone else. Relating will continue to be a ‘mine field’. If you think it sounds simple, try it.

Being on different learning curves or on different evolutionary paths makes it very difficult to relate to each other. The depth of our intended meaning is directly proportional to where we and the object person are right at this moment. It is understandable, as a result, that although we may be utilizing the same words, more often than not we are on different ‘pages’. This can lead to confusion, disillusionment, frustration (anger), surprise and dismay. How do we get on the same page? How do we communicate clearly and concisely? How do we get our intention out on target and have it ‘stick’? How do we get understood? Even asking the question, “do you understand what I am saying” doesn`t seem to satisfy the purpose of the exercise. Why not? Why have we learned differently? Why have we learned to understand differently? How do we bridge the gap of different ‘learning curves’? It is as though we all have personal ‘sub-languages’. That is why, when we meet someone, albeit infrequently, that we can communicate with at this special and intimate level, it seems so easy. The energy seems to flow so effortlessly. It is truly a pleasure to relate at this level. But, how often does this happen in our lives? And when it does, we cannot get enough, can we? It is as though we are relationship ‘starved’. We want to be able to be there more often…what a treat to be able to identify with each other in the most expressive, empathetic and intimate fashion. What a blessing and privilege to be able to feel what the other is feeling.

And when we do find someone we deem suitable to be a prime partner relationship, we expect ‘commitment’. What is commitment and why do we believe it is necessary for us to go forward in a partnership? If we truly believe the key to living consciously and happily is living in the present, why do we require commitment for the future from our partner? Except for commitment to invest in the work which is required to make a relationship successful, is more commitment necessary? Is it perhaps because of fear of loss, fear of being betrayed, fear of abandonment and rejection that we demand commitment, beyond our present intention, from our partner? If we have Trust and Faith in the Universe to provide us with what we require to be happy, why do we have to impose a caveat on our relating? Perhaps we are insecure enough to warrant a controlling ‘override’ on our future. This thought process is not only silly and futile but arrogant. Where is the trust in that? And further, who knows what the future ‘holds in store’ for us anyway? Why should we assume we know what is best for us ‘down the road’? Is it not possible to live out eternity one present day at a time? Of course it is and the proof is in the ‘walk’ not the talk…and so it is.