Wet Clay
Wet Clay means a work in progress. It means that I am involved in the ongoing process of shaping my life. This work is not subject to a time frame or time line. It is in a state of flux so, please disregard any consistency, which occurs only by random chance. This is a personal growth exercise and if someone or something benefits from this 'exorcism', please excuse me, for this is not an exercise in political correctness. And so it is……..
I require an expression mode and my iMac (Gomer 11), is it….hurray! It is my way of exhausting all this stuff I have accumulated, hell, hoarded in my lifetime. It is my spiritual, emotional and intellectual release. This 'Pack Rat' is going to spew. So, if you don`t want to get sprayed, get out of my way, and go have a cookie with milk. It will be much more appeasing…to be sure.
This is my way of disclaiming from and forewarning you, of the truth I perceive. As I strive for success in this game of life, after failing many, many, times, I keep trying to re-invent myself with each additional effort. I am prompted always by the perfection of the process.
'Stinky' Introduction
Our culture (society) is in disarray, folks. Yes, it is! We have been on this cultural ‘slippery slope’ for a long time, and the symptoms are becoming more and more obvious. Much of the pain, suffering and ill health we are experiencing are our beacons (signals) to change direction. Don‘t get me wrong. We deserve and belong here and we are totally responsible for this abusive mess at this time in our evolution. We have to experience this ‘stink’ as we grow in order for us to know the difference.So, what is the ‘stink’ you ask? Am I ready to handle what I have systematically avoided to make me feel (at least in the short term)…GOOD? Am I ready to accept the truth about my lack of responsibility and accountability with gentleness, understanding and love? Am I ready to accept myself as I really am, ‘warts’ and all, and love myself for it? Or, will I try to trash this information because I don’t like the picture it paints of me through others’ eyes?
What have you decided? Whoa there! Wait for the ultimate warning before answering the most important question of all. “Survivor” was nothing compared to the pain and trauma you will experience from this exercise. This will undoubtedly be the most arduous journey you have ever undertaken. You will feel pain you have never experienced and you will quit many, many times. You will simply give up, over and over again, because this is the toughest of all paths and tasks. You will cry like you have never cried before and for longer periods and more frequently. And, oh, one more thing, this is just the beginning. The more you ‘practice’, the more painful it becomes, but you will better experience, witness, understand and accept the pain…as a gift. You will be living consciously and enjoying the awareness. Life will be full of everything beautiful, and your experiences will be unsurpassed. You will pass and fail with total understanding of the process. You will take off that self-imposed limited ‘ceiling’ and replace it with a penetrable ‘skylight’. You will experience your senses to degrees unimagined. You will uncap your stifled emotions, to where orgasm will seem mundane. Your life will blossom and you will experience empowerment. But, there is no payoff, folks. Your life will evolve as it should. You will love yourself but life won’t hold back. It will offer you bigger challenges and lessons but, you will be able to handle situations (issues) with accountability, responsibility and wisdom. And then you will fail again and accept the failing as a part your yourself. Yes, you will love yourself, even when you fail. And then you will have the option to change your behaviour, within your limits of choice. And if you don’t, you will have to relearn the lesson… again. Practice does make perfect. And you will be perfect in the effort. It`s the process, in this moment, that’s perfect. There are no perfect results. Results are simply moments in the process. Results are infinitely in a state of flux. It`s only you and I in the process, that are perfect. You are perfect, in this moment, even if you are suffering. Now, I can hear you saying. “What is he talking about”. It sounds like riddles. Well it is ‘riddlesque’. But, much less ‘riddley’ than the life most of us have chosen to live in this culture, at this moment in time.
You, “should you choose to accept this mission”, will not be able to turn back without withdrawal pain. It is very difficult to withdraw from the most powerful and pleasurable ‘drug’ known to man. You may not be ready, in your present growth curve, to enter into this experience at this time, and that is OK. You have taken the first step in empowerment. We live from unconscious moment to unconscious moment hoping something changes this ‘stinky’ path we have chosen to experience. But, we know nothing will change until we decide to change. So, this is your last chance to back off until another time, when you have decided that the ‘stink’ in your life is more than you can bear, and are ready to commence with the journey awaiting all of us.
To the fearless and courageous, welcome. You will be made aware of how we have become prostitutes, saints, liars, kindly, manipulators, volunteers, seducers, charitable, users, empathetic, murderers, compassionate, abusers, addicts, wise, fear mongers, productive, irresponsible, creative and both unaccountable and accountable for some of our own behaviour; these characteristics are reflective of who and what we are and determine the state of our health. You will be able to identify how and why we have voluntarily dis-empowered ourselves to religions, governments, educational, medical, financial, industrial, technological, social, military and community institutions including friends and family. You will understand why we feel like puppets at the end of ‘strings’. We have chosen to relinquish our power and have readily and reluctantly given up our control. You will see the trade-off that has occurred and how negative the impacts have been to our overall health, within this culture. And, we did this all in the name of self-imagery and prosperity. Oh, did I get any of that on you? Too bad, so sad! You have to know the difference between what is ‘stinky’ and what is not, before you begin to dislike the ‘stink’. Living in the ‘sewer’, as most of us have subjected ourselves to for so long, does not allow our selves to experience the ‘fresh air’ and ‘flower gardens’ of life that show us the difference. ‘Stink’, like decomposition and the further nurturing of other organisms as a result, is vital to growth and evolution. Yeah, to ‘stink’!
Self-Image
Image is a pretty simple word. The dictionary defines it as “to reflect the likeness of”. Sounds innocent enough, doesn’t it? The ‘kicker’ in this definition is that it doesn’t define the ‘what’, in the likeness of ‘what’. We connote without challenge that, the ‘what’ stands for what is accepted, respected, favoured, honoured, reputed, acknowledged, popular, attention getting, valued, revered, and yes, loved. ‘What’ is feeling loved. Oh, what we wouldn’t do in return for feeling loved. We have been known to act out every behaviour known in the history of our species, for love. We have, and continue to ‘sell out’ for affection. The reason loving our selves becomes so difficult is because we have created an image of ourselves which is distorted (facade) and only represents one half of the paradox of our selves and our humanity. We have done so because we have difficulty accepting who we really are. We believe, unjustifiably and inaccurately, that who we really are will ultimately be rejected. This fear of rejection stems from lacking self-love. IF WE CANNOT ACCEPT WHO WE ARE, HOW CAN ANYONE ELSE ACCEPT WHO WE ARE?
This self-destructive and dis-empowering process began when we were children. We bought into the perception that someone’s or something’s opinion of us, was more important than our own…that the external image was and is more important than our internal self-image. From the moment we gave our power away, we became dependent upon others for our sense of self and hence our identity. Our dependence on others eventually grew into resentment and more serious forms of anger like contempt. Why is it then, that our external image is so much more appealing than our internal self-image?
Eastern teachings speak of Transparency. Transparency is the ability in all of us to reveal ourselves completely, openly and honestly. When this occurs, there is nothing for others to attack or judge. Few of us can do this consistently. When we do, we`re looked upon as refreshing, courageous, completely vulnerable, authentic, open and honest with nothing to hide, if not weird. Our flowing energy becomes contagious. What’s not to accept? If the external response is favourable, there will be those who attack you because they compare themselves to you, and do not like what they see in themselves. That response or mirroring effect is their problem, and you will understand it as such. You will indirectly be stimulating them into addressing areas that require their attention.
Why is the truth of ourselves so difficult to accept? It is only difficult to accept when we view ourselves through others` eyes. From the time we were babies, we were subjected to scrutiny and judgement from others. Acceptance is what we were not given and that is our lesson to learn. No one gives us acceptance. We must grasp it with the love and caring we deserve. We were either given accolades and put on a pedestal, which we could never live up to and would inevitably fall off or, we were subjected to criticism from which we felt humiliated, abused and unaccepted. Either response was destructive and detrimental to our development and well-being. And, here is the difficult part to acknowledge and understand: some of us bought into this way of perceiving ourselves and others because we wanted to have someone to blame and accuse for our failings in addition to being fearful of rejection. We really had a choice to say“ I`m OK and if you can`t accept me as I am, which means trying to resolve our differences, then one of us must leave this environment.” But, most of us didn`t because we didn`t want to feel rejected, shunned, alienated and ostracized. We allowed ‘the external’ to dis-empower us and we chose to become victims. We have chosen to suffer victimization ever since. Our culture breeds and nurtures this occurrence out of ignorance. We feel unworthy, dis-empowered, at the mercy of, irresponsible for our well-being, alone, with little self-esteem, brutalized, emotionally raped, unfulfilled, unwanted, rejected and ultimately unloved. And we allowed all of this to occur because of some perceived benefit(s) and value(s)…that was/is not in our healthy self best interest. Sounds silly, does it not? We tried and continue to try to fill this void with any stimulation that will distract us from the truth about ourselves. From consuming too much food to unhealthy work, to too much work, to alcohol, to drugs, to materialism, to money, to sex, to narcissism, to over-indulgence, to over-consumption, to hoarding, to possessing and to obsessing about people and or things, we are left feeling very unhealthy. Unhealthy and diseased beings ‘stink’ and eventually ‘die’…on our feet. We simply ‘take up space’ on this beautiful globe and contribute very little. Although necessary at this moment in time, in the grand scheme of things (‘bigger picture’), we have been blessed with choices to change . We don`t have to ‘stink’. We can light up the universe with our true, honest, loving, expressive and accepted selves. There has never been a spiritual leader yet who hasn`t referred all of our searches and quests back to our own hearts. ‘Go into your own heart to know Thyself’ has been the central theme/mantra of all Spiritual teachings….and one day, when we are ready, we will go there.
Self-Love
We are unique, in that we are a self-love seeking species. Self-love is the basic will in human life. However, we have mis-prioritized, maladjusted, clouded and obscured this will. We must explore our inner-self to uncover it. We even have to relearn what it really is. Our quest continues toward this deeply satisfying emotional and spiritual state. This is a very difficult exercise, indeed. We must get off our unhealthy and unconscious ‘treadmill’ before beginning.
We must get our will power and our imagination working together if we are to succeed in the development of our new self-image. If we can generate belief in ourselves, we can work miracles. An example of such a miracle: when we are able to shift our perspective of ourselves with healthy interpretation, then can we shift our perspective of others. This process does work and feels miraculous. So, by better understanding and accepting ourselves, we are better able to understand and accept others. As we begin to see and feel love in ourselves, we begin to see it all around us. Our world literally changes before our eyes. The ‘stink’ becomes transformed into the most beautiful of ‘fragrances’.
When we witness a child hurting, we stand in line to comfort that child. Yet, when our ‘little child’ is hurting, we would rather lash out angrily at chosen targets and blame someone or something for feeling the way we do . We need to care and comfort our ‘little child’ with the same love and affection we are willing to share with other children in pain.
What is one thing that I dislike (hate) about myself? Can I come to understand it, and care for it as it being part of my perfect self in evolution? Can I cuddle it, nurture it, cradle it, honour it, accept it, love it, and change it, if and when I am ready?
We are on the road to wellness and health when we discover that what we really want more than anything else in life is neither pleasure, nor power, nor meaning nor love of others. WHAT WE REALLY WANT IS TO BE ABLE TO KNOW, ACCEPT AND LOVE OURSELVES. Only then, can we EXTEND LOVE TO OTHERS. This can be very difficult, given that we have our entire undiscriminating histories in our subconscious, which we must work with and understand. In order for us to accomplish this task we must begin functioning on ‘manual’. Our natural tendency is to function from our subconscious, which can be translated to mean functioning automatically and in some cases, uncontrollably. In order for us to change, modify or recondition our behaviour, it is mandatory THAT WE BECOME CONSCIOUS OF OUR BEHAVIOUR. This is functioning ‘manually’ or becoming consciously competent. There are many techniques in the marketplace which can assist us to do that, among them, meditation. There are many forms and methods available and they all focus on the present. Observing the present, through all our senses, is a conscious behaviour. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we were all sub-consciously competent? Thank g_d we have eternity.
To us lay people, the difference between living consciously and unconsciously is like having our sensibilities peaked versus, comparatively speaking, ‘living with our head in the sand’. One gives us an experience of vibrancy in living and the other feels like we are on an uncontrollable ‘treadmill’ or a ‘puppet on a string’. One provides excitement and a feeling of connection to everything in the universe, and the other provides us with a sense of separateness and aloneness. One gives us energy and nurtures us and the other leaves us wanting, while we allow our selves to wither.
I am convinced, that the ultimate act of self-love, after trying everything to resolve differences, is refuting and leaving relationships and belief systems that are not in our healthy self best interest. We search for justification and rationales to support what we know to be true before acting and that holds us back developmentally. There is no rhyme nor reason that can quell the pain of loss we endure from this exercise. Psychological, emotional and physical losses are most difficult to deal with. If we could understand loss on a higher or spiritual level, perhaps it may be easier. But, at the level most of us experience, only pain from loss is prevalent. Rather, if we could perceive loss as a signal or beacon for us to change direction, and trust that it as a blessing versus a ‘negative’ or failure and perhaps it may be easier to understand and accept. Inevitably, the latter proves to be correct over and over again in our lives. Any other option leaves us victimized by ignorance. But we forget, and try to control our lives beyond what we are entitled to. We learn the same lessons of loss through self-love, over and over again. Maybe one day we will awaken to being completely aware of only the upside of loss and utilize expressive language to describe our experience. We must move past the anguish and turbulence losses can incur. We must trust in our inner senses, if we are to truly love ourselves. There is both joy and pain in learning. This is our lesson in detachment.
Fear
We have all chosen to be victims of fear. From our survival instincts directing us, to our image directing us, we`re all behaving fearfully. Most of us rarely face survival fears, especially when our mortality is threatened. We have surpassed the threshold of daily survival, and replaced it with wanting, accumulating and hoarding. We are surviving with very little effort, because we have so much material wealth. But, we are dying from internal emotional sterility. And, this is the most painful of all deaths. The reason it`s so painful is because somewhere inside us, we know the difference and continue searching to fill the void. The more we ignore and resist it, the more we suffer. Resistance does not allow for choice.
We have allowed ourselves to become desensitized from our internal sensibilities. We have allowed ourselves to be subjected to the most horrific experiences (and I`m not just talking about the daily news from various mainstream media sources), but have become conditioned to being disinterested and uncaring. We do not allow ourselves to be emotionally affected. It is simply too fearful there for most of us.
The more we go down this path, the more we will only be able to relate to things like Gomer 11 (my iMac). What will be the price of disconnection in the long term??? The head will become bigger and the heart will become smaller. But, no fear! Eventually, we will only love intellectually because there is no risk. Everything will be monitored by boundaries motivated by fear. We will be able to withstand anything completely without pain. ‘Robots’, without the ability to love. Or, we can risk feeling. The concept is only a few thousand years old. It didn`t take us long, did it?
We utilize words like personal, private, boundaries, discretion and none of your business, in describing areas of ourselves that are ‘out of bounds’. This occurs when we decide, under the guise of the above choices, not to express ourselves for fear of being rejected. Here we are, trying desperately to portray our vulnerable and fragile image, inclusive of our being and our soul, without sincere and expressive communication. I have often wondered, what is there about me that I would be fearful of exposing? In most cases too many things to certain people and environments. It becomes very difficult to be transparent when we feel fear of non-acceptance and rejection. Self-acceptance must come first.
As I evolve, I am coming to the realization that there is tremendous freedom and beauty in being able to express and describe our most intimate selves. There is no fear associated with being transparent…unconditionally. Yet, we are afraid that if we do expose and declare ourselves, we will be unaccepted, criticized and rejected. And, for the most part that may be true, but so what? Why are we so concerned about revealing who we truly are, when the perceiver may be judgmental and critical anyway? What are we protecting and from whom? How is anyone able to discern what we represent without having all the information? Really, this whole process is ironic and somewhat convoluted, is it not? We are afraid that someone may not accept us entirely and yet, we resent the scrutiny that we are subjected to by the ‘acceptors’. We can`t have it both ways. Why do I feel ‘less than’ if I expose my inner-most self? I know when I do reveal myself totally, I feel wonderfully transparent and trusting and that whatever the response, I have represented myself as clearly, truthfully, authentically and accurately as possible. And yet, there are times that I am hesitant and fearful because external responses are seemingly more important to me…where is the faith and trust in believing that, as long as I represent myself as transparently as possible then everything becomes a win-win scenario? Why can I not see that someone`s disapproval of me is OK and why can I not see this transparency as a blessing, all of the time?
We have so much fear of not being in control, of not being able to hold onto or possess people and things outside of ourselves. Yet, nothing in nature, is in control. We`re never in control externally. Trying to control others and things, does nothing but bring up a lot of anxiety. We must have faith and trust in the ‘bigger picture’. Being in sync with the ‘grand design’ is very empowering…and so it is.
